recording practice

I have to come realize that I have a strong aversion to recording myself. Perhaps if I can articulate why, I might be able to understand the barrier and push past it: let's try.

It's not that I dislike sharing my craft with others - I enjoy performing, especially the sense of communication and camaraderie with the audience. But that stage (pun unintended) is an example of a finished product, which hopefully reflects all of the careful thought I have put into the manipulation of my interpretation and mastery of the work. Recording during the process? Keeping evidence of the times when I cannot execute a passage? Sounds as enjoyable as a weekly physical exam: unnecessary and humiliating.

I used to diligently record, for a time -- though it was only a written record. In a way, I controlled what was recorded. Which is probably why I enjoyed this kind of record, feeling stable in my progress since I could literally see my progress.

Though I am unwilling to digitally capture the process - why? I initially wondered if I was trying to protect what Newman calls the "Creative Spark" -- is there some sort of magic that will die when I hit record? It sounds absurd, but we do behave differently when someone is watching (even if that someone is a blinking red light).

Yet there are so many benefits to recording yourself at all stages, especially visually. Try as I might, even after years of building body awareness I am still surprised by something I see in a video of myself.
A slightly raised shoulder,
a hitch on a difficult bow change,
a sour expression on my face,
a stiff upper body.

Then there is simply the act of recording. Putting yourself through the gamut this way, intentionally freaking yourself out, is powerful. It lets you know where you stand. Where are you strong, at this moment? Where are you weak? Where are you stagnant? Where does your attention waver? That last one was big for me last week. I recorded the first page of the concerto three times in a row, and was amazed at my inability the maintain focus. That page in particular is in sharp detail for me: I know it the best, and have some of the most specific details figured out. Yet I am too slow on the uptake to implement each of the elements right before they need to happen, which I have attributed to a lack of focus. For now, the best solution to change this I have is what I am already implementing: record, focus, break it down, and record again. So for now I have a goal of recording that first page at least every Saturday, if not more often.

There is one last attribute to this video documentation -- the fact we even can! There is a stubborn part of me, a very persuasive voice, that believes I shouldn't have to do this, since others before me were able to manage without it. This is ridiculous. Why not use all of the tools I have? I will only look back later and wonder, if I do not use everything in my power to make this a powerful performance.

What are your thoughts on recording, or documenting, your practice? How do you use recording (visual, aural, or even written notes) to supplement your process?